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August 11, 2004
Another Doctor Visit
Yesterday, I learned that I have a small tumor on my spine. I'd been having really bad back pain, so I went to have it checked out again. I told my doctor that it felt as if something was sending electric shocks down my spine. I was given an x-ray and that's how it was discovered. Tests will be done to determine if the tumor in malignant. When I first heard the news, it upset me. It upset me because my mind began to wonder. Cancer certainly is no stranger to my family, and this is the second time that I've had a tumor in the exact same place on my spine. The first time around, the tumor was benign. The second discovery is always the most most frightening.
The second time tumors were discovered in my mother proved to be cancerous. She has uterin cancer and had to have a hystorectomy. We experienced her trials with chemotherapy. I believe that I was about 11. I remember praying to God and hoping that my mother wouldn't die. She didn't die, but that had to be the most difficult moments in my life. I will never forget that.
Chemotherapy can be pretty brutal on patients. This fact is why I have decided that if my tumor is malignant, then I choose to forego chemo alltogether...if in fact it's necessary at all. I still have yet to be discuss this with my doctor. I have told my family my wishes. They don't agree with my choice, but I'm an adult. I'm doing what I believe to be in my best interest. My family is all upset. They are talking to me and about me...as if I'm dead already. My oldest brother tells me that I'm being irrational. I'm like, "FOR CHRIST'S SAKE! I DON'T HAVE CANCER!!" His response to that was, "BUT WHAT IF YOU DO?"
I don't like questions like that. My brother also asked, "Why would you not go through chemo knowing that it could mean the difference between life and death?" I'm not ready to die, but I'm not afraid of my current situation. Everything happens for a reason, so if God deems it my time, then I must go. That isn't easy to fathom, but it's something that I must come to terms with. Not everyone understands that. It took me a while to grasp it myself. This is how I'm able to smile when I visit my mom mom in the hospital. Someone helped me to understand that death is something that have to face someday and that we just have to get over it and keep moving.
In Other News....
MT-Medic is a God-send. It helped me to regroup my site earlier. You see...I, being the brainiac genius that I am, accidently deleted my entire blog & username to MT while attempting to change permissions for a private blog that I've been working on for the past few days. While trying to chance authors on the new private blog, I deleted the username "Timi" and that was only the beginning of my drama. While trying to recover everything, I managed to delete the public blog. Carla is the best. When I asked her for help, she lead me to MT-Medic. I installed MT-Medic on my site and everything was recovered. Now, I just have to do some minor tweeking to get everything back to normal.
I do have a private blog that has been in the making for some time now. I created a layout for the site and then I decided that I didn't like it, so I'm using a linkware template temporarily. The new site is password protected, so in order to view, you must inquire to me for the username and password. I will share this info with you, if I know you. No...I'm not giving up on this site...I just want something a but more personal.
The new site can be found at http://ussclueless.net/bottledup. Email me if you want the username and password.
Posted by Timi at August 11, 2004 1:02 AM