USS Clueless: Earth to Timi

On Sunday, my mother's bestfriend died. That was a super-shocker. I was assigned the task of telling everyone and that was so hard.

On Monday, one of my cousins died. This was like a freak accident or something. He died at his job. He was swollered between two giant rollers. It was really weird. I was like, "How the heck did that happen?" That's like one of those, "Are you serious?" type moments. I couldn't believe it.

Monday evening, my grandmother (on my father's side) went into a coma. I also learned that my little seven year old cousin was shot while playing outside in her aunt's neighborhood. The bullet hit her in the leg. She's ok now. There is no extensive damage or anything. She's running around like a happy child again.

Yesterday, Tuesday 9/28/04, my brother called me at work to tell me that my grandmother died. I knew it was coming, but I expected her to live a little longer. At least long enough so that I could see her one more time. When she went into the coma on Monday, the doctor said that she would come out of it. She never did. When I learned of her death that REALLY broke my heart.

I didn't know my paternal grandmother THAT well. Growing up, my father never took us to Bowie, Maryland to see her that often. The only contact I had with her, growing up, was via the phone and letters. She came to visit & stay with us for a couple of weeks when I was in high school, but that was really it. I loved talking to her on the on the phone though. I'd say within the past year, I really began looking for forward to her calls.

Each time I'd talk to her, she'd say, "When are you gonna drive down and see grandmom baby?" I'd always have an excuse for not going. To be honest, I never wanted to go. Pride kept me from visiting my father's side of the family. They lived in the "country". They didn't have normal septic systems, and they were just so country. The bourgie city girl in me didn't want any parts of that. I was never bold enough to tell my grandmother the true reason for not wanting to visit.

I visited Bowie back in February to see my grandmother. One of my father's sisters died, and I went down to show my love and support. The only people who knew me were my grandmother, my aunt Trish & my father's youngest brother. Everyone else looked at me as if I were a stranger (and I did the same to them). Nobody seemed to believe that my father had children because he never brought us to visit his family. I truly believe that my father was ashamed of the way he had grown up. He became totally attached to my mother's side of the family (the side of closest to).

That February visit was the last time I saw my grandmother. I feel extremely horrible. I feel like a terrible grandchild because I COULD HAVE visited. I always put my job & my pride before everything. I should've visited her when she asked me to. Telling her that I loved her over the phone wasn't enough. Sending her money & gifts via the mail wasn't enough. I should've treated her like I treat my mom mom (my mother's mother). She deserved that. She didn't deserve my uppity attitude (even though she never knew it existed).

The last time, she asked me to visit was back in June. She wanted me to come down, and stay with her. I told her that I had to work, but I'd take a few vacation days soon and visit. I told her that I was going to stay with a friend when I visited & she seemed to be upset over that idea. So I compromised and said that I'd stay with my aunt Trish in Montgomery County. I never did that. The last time I spoke with my grandmother was last week. She told me that she was in the hospital & she wasn't doing too well. I promised that I'd visit this weekend. I had actually made plans to travel to Bowie, MD this weekend. She died before I could come.

When my brother called me at work to tell me the news, I just cried. It wasn't a cry of sadness, but one of guilt & regret. I let my grandmother down because of my own selfish pride. So now I'm making that trip to Bowie, MD...but it's not to visit my grandmother, it's to bury her. I'm hurting so much, but I'm trying to hold it together for the sake of my family.

I'm leaving for Bowie on Friday after my mother's friend's funeral. Hopefully, I can salvage a relationship with my many cousins, aunts & uncles who live in Bowie. It's way past due.