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October 5, 2004
Don't Ask. Don't Tell
Have you ever regretted telling someone something? I'm sure you have. I allowed someone to read some very private about me. This person will not let it go. He keeps asking me about the situation. He even made reference to it in a prayer email list-serve and THAT BOTHERED ME. He didn't use my name, nor did he describe the situation in detail, but the fact that he mentioned it upset me. I've allowed 7 people to read what I wrote. Six of those people I trust to keep what I wrote secret. That seventh person has proven to be a thorn in my side.
I emailed homeboy to tell him that I let him read my story in secret. It wasn't intended for public consumption, which is why it's on my private blog and not the public one. I wrote my story for personal "release". It was something that needed to be said, and I felt a burden lifted after it was said. I'd hoped that none of my readers would repeat it elsewhere, but I guess that would be asking for too much.
I supposed that I share a portion of the blame for this. I should've been more selective about who I allow to read that blog. His excuse for sharing my story is that he wanted people to pray for me. I have no problem with prayer. I can use all the prayer that I can get, but his reasoning isn't sitting too well with me. Even though he never shared my name, I just feel vulnerable. I don't like feeling vulnerable. Vulnerability is weakness to me. Although I don't know anyone of the list-serve personally, I still feel that anyone would read the prayer request and assume it was me. I know that's silly, but that's how I think sometimes.
The seventh person has made me question the other six with access to my site. Now I'm unwilling to allow anyone else access to my writing. I can't really describe how I feel right now. I just feel like I've been put "out there". I almost feel as if I have to justify myself in public, and there is absolutely no reason to. Perhaps I should've adhered to a don't ask, don't tell type policy wheras if one doesn't ask about my life, then I shouldn't feel obliged to volunteer information.
My friend, E, believes that I am obsessing too much over. She believes that the guy did what he did with good intentions. I've never, not even for one second, believed that he placed my "story" on the list-serve with malicious intent. I just hold to the notion that if I wanted 100 other people to know my business, then I would've posted it myself. Yea...I know it's for prayer, but what I wrote was very personal. It should not have been devulged.
I don't know. Maybe I am obsessing too much. Perhaps my story belongs on that prayer list. Maybe someone will read it and relate to it. Maybe it will help someone dealing with similar issues. And maybe...just maybe someone will read it & pray for the person in the "story". And maybe, I may actually find peace in this situation.
Posted by Timi at October 5, 2004 12:02 AM