USS Clueless: Earth to Timi

Oh Snap! The little girl from THE RING escaped & now wreaking havoc in a haunted house! Ok...not exactly, but that's the feeling I got while watching THE GRUDGE. This is the most disturbing movie I've seen in a long time. That's not a good thing. I should've know that the movie was going to be dumb when I saw the PG-13 rating. NOTE TO READERS: IF IT'S KID FRIENDLY, THEN IT'S NOT A HORROR MOVIE.

The Grudge is just a bad movie all around. I don't know diddly squat about cinematography or anything, but this movie sucked. It has it's moments of chills & screams, but other than that it's just retarded. The movie had me thinking, "What the heck?", "Huh?" & "Who is that?" all at the same time. That's not a good thing. I didn't understand the plot. In fact, I don't even think there was a plot. I just couldn't decifer a logical point to the film. I was searching for reviews online AFTER I saw the movie (Im such a brainiac). I found one review that summed up my thoughts on the plot of the movie.

Not that logic is ever the major player in a boogeyman flick, but it’s nice to have at least a hint of it somewhere. It’s also nice to know who the boogeyman is and whether he or she has any concrete goals or career expectations. None of these things are clear in “The Grudge.�

I wish I had read that before we saw this movie. The myth in Japan is if a person dies a horrible death, then that death stays in the house & wreaks havoc on its occupants. Interesting premise for a ghost story, but The Grudge is another typical horror flick. The movie switches back & forth from past to present, just to show what happened to certain characters in the movie. That was confusing too. I'll admit it, I jumped once or twice during the movie. However, it was just too stupid to frighten me.

One theme in all scary flicks remains consistent. That is white girls do REALLY stupid things and then they die. NOTE TO HUMANITY: DO NOT INVESTIGATE THE NOISES IN YOUR ATTIC. IF YOU DO, THEN YOU TOO WILL DIE. I don't understand why people choose the point of danger instead of the point of no return.

If you see a monster coming for you, please DO NOT run upstairs. Run out the door, jump out the window...do SOMETHING other than run upstairs.

If you hear the meow of a cat in your attic and you KNOW that you don't own no cats, JUST RUN. RUN ANYWHERE BUT TO THE ATTIC.

If you see a dead person walking toward you in slow motion, don't stand there! RUN! YOU HAVE TIME TO ESCAPE!

This is how white people die in movies. Where is the common sense?

If you think that that THE RING was frightening, then you may actually like this movie. For clarification, The Grudge is alot better than The Ring. So, if you liked The Ring, then The Grudge is the movie for you. But if you knew anything good, you'd go find a bootleg or wait until the movie comes on the USA Network.

Geez...I hope White Noise doesn't let me down.