USS Clueless: Earth to Timi

I have a "me" mentality. I can't exactly pinpoint when this selfish nature overtook me, but I've been this way since a child. My mother used to say that I got it from my father. My father said that I received it from my mother. I don't know where it came from, but it hasn't left me which makes me a bit problematic.

I don't have a clear way in which I deal with my issues. The easiest & most convenient way (expelling everyone out of my life) is the worst way to deal with them. I feel silly being 25 years of age & still unable to deal with my issues in a more mature manner. I should, at least, be able to articulate (thoroughly) my emotions and thoughts. Most of the time I can't do that. Well it's not an issue of can't. It's more an issues of won't. Why won't I do it? I don't know. I don't know is my answer for everything.

What is wrong with you? I don't know. Why do you feel that way? I don't know. Why are you acting like this? I don't know. How do you feel? I don't know. What do you want? I DON'T KNOW.

In actuality, I do know...I'm just reluctant to give answers. I hate being in the "hot seat". It's makes me feel vulnerable. I don't like feeling vulnerable. It makes me feel as if I'm left in the middle of an ocean, on a small boat with no life jacket. I always keep my guard raised, only lowering it when I feel like it. It becomes an issue of pride. I don't want to be seen crying. I don't want to be known as the chick with issues. I try to suck it up and keep moving.

My selfish pride turns alot of people off. Especially those that care the most about me & I about them. It not only turns them off, but it hurts them as well. I'm hurting myself too, which is not a good thing. I don't want to hurt those that I love. I don't want to turn folks away. I want to be able to "release" freely without the hinderances of my own pride or selfishness.

I want to ask for help without believing that folks will think that I'm needy or that I have issues. I want to be able to talk to someone and cry without thinking that they may not understand. There are some folks that I share almost everything with, but when it comes to personal issues, I shut them out. I don't want to continue doing that.

I understand that there are deeper underlying issues (stemming from childhood) that I need to address. My normal "this is how I deal with my problems" is not going to work. I need to be honest with myself & with others. Otherwise, I'll keep pushing people away until I have nobody to listen to me when I do want to "tell my story" (if you will).

I'm trying to overcome this obstacle. I realize that everything isn't always about me. I know that other people hurting just like myself. My issues are not one of a kind. God didn't create me so that I would sit in my own corner of the world and cry about how much humanity sucks. He wouldn't put more on me than I can bear. And I know that he's helping me to lessen my burdens on a daily basis. It is a struggle to "die daily"...meaning...putting aside my own selfishness & self-centeredness to look at the "bigger picture". I do not fully understand the "bigger picture", but I understand that I must keep faith, knowing that I'll overcome.