USS Clueless: Earth to Timi

When he hurt me the first time, I told myself that I'd never subject myself any kind of hurt...ever gain. I thought everything was ok. How was I to know that he was growing weary of the wait. It had been 2 years. He never made "the wait" an issue. Neither did I.

He and I met in Atlanta during a job training. We clicked instantly. They say you should never mix business with pleasure, but I was attracted to this guy. Plus, he and I weren't doing business with one again...we just worked for the same company in two different states.

There was nothing overtly attractive about him. If GQ Magazine ever did a spread on the 500 sexiest black men, then he would've made #501....runner up. But that didn't turn me away. I have a tendency to choose character over physical attributes. His personality was as boring as snails, but his conversation was intriguing. When he spoke, I wanted to listen. The sexiest southern accent parted his lips. He was slightly heavier than men I'm used to dating...but there's nothing wrong with that. I like big guys. I'll settle for a big country linebacker any day. He didn't stand above 5'9...which was a problem but I dealt with it. I possess the tall gene thanks to my daddy. If he and I ever got married and had sons, I would've prayed that they got my genes. He called too much...once I checked him on the issue...he still called too much...but I dealt with it. It only takes one finger to push the ignore button on a cell phone. This can work.

It was going good...until he visited me one week and completely ignored me. I noticed that he was extra touchy feely, but I attributed that to the fact that we hadn't seen one another in awhile. We hugged. We kissed. I played table tennis with his hands...smacking away each hand's attempt to touch me in forbidden places. When I didn't let him touch me, I found him to be quite cold towards me.

Never in my weirdest dreams would I imagine him to sleep with another woman and call me at work to confess. Why would he call me on my job to come clean? I have no clue, but I know that I locked myself in a bathroom stall and I cried. Talk about gull. I would've been better off not knowing at all.

I decided to cut ties with him after that. It last for a good month. Then against my better judgement, I chose to forgive him. Flash forward a few months. Things are going ok. He & I have exchanged the "L" word a few times. He told me that I said it less times than he did. I'll admit to that. I'm not the world's most affectionate person. I tend to hold my feelings in. Which isn't the best thing to do, but that's how I do it. Yes...I know that I need to work on that area in my life.

To make a much longer story short...at the point in which I was able to say, "Ok...I think I can do this whole commitment thing. I've been very open about everthing. I'm happy. I'm in love"

All is in the universe, then the cosmos collide. BAM!...throwing everything off of it's happy little axis. He admits to sleeping with another woman yet again. As if that wasn't bad enough, the blame for his actions was shifted to me. Somehow, if I had been less resiliant in my stance to remain a virgin, then all would have been fine. That stung.

I won't pretend to be completely innocent. I've seen more & have experienced more as a virgin than I should have. It has taken a long time for me to willingly admit that to folks but it's true. I can freely admit to that without guilt (any longer). Now in saying that, I can honestly admit that nothing sexual ever happened with he & I. Minus a kiss or a hug. We discussed it..who doesn't? You have to be completely dumb in order to believe that you can have a relationship with someone without ever discussing sex. But he was celibate. He was doing well. I noticed that he was starting to lose "the good fight", but I told him that the end would be worth it.

I don't know what to make of it. I'm left hurt, confused & angry. My mind has been reeling with tons of thoughts.

Maybe I deserved this for all the bad things I've done in my life?...they say Karma is a b****

Why am I holding out? God...what is your exact plan for us sexual creatures? Religious & societal scare tactics no longer work on me...I'm 26 years old....16 passed me a long time ago.

I should've never forgiven him the first time. I must be the biggest fool ever.

Is this how a broken heart is supposed to feel? God...I wouldn't wish this feeling on anyone.

The thoughts won't subside. I'm told that the pain will heal with time, but it just gets worse everyday. I feel like my pride has been stomped. I let my guard down and now I feel completely vulnerable.

This sucks